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Jokes!

Here's a load of stupid jokes I've picked up from here and there. I also added a few funny things to e-mail to your mates. So have a good laugh!

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Click below to see some silly stuff.

Something completely freaky!

Amusing little quiz.

Models aren't as pretty as they seem...

Blonde vs lawyer.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Brisbane to Perth. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
 The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
 The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. Okay, how about this, If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
 This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
 Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
 The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the National Library. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

 He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and, comes down with four?"

 Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep...

Blonde vs lawyer.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Brisbane to Perth. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
 The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
 The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. Okay, how about this, If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
 This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
 Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
 The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the National Library. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

 He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and, comes down with four?"

 Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep...

Duck hunting.
Chris and John went duck hunting for the first time. They took decoys, shotguns, and camouflage hunting suits. Before they left,  a friend suggested that they bring a "dog to get the ducks."  They took his advice and off they went.

As noon time rolled around, the other hunters on the lake were heading back with boats filled with ducks, while Chris and John had not a single duck.

Chris asked "What do you think we're doing wrong?"

John replied "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough".

 

Seagulls

These two really dumb guys were walking along the beach one day. They had never been to a beach before and they were in absolute awe of all the seagulls. As they looked up in amazement, one of the birds took a dump on one dumb guy's head. "Oh my goodness," said the other. "I'll run back to the car and get some toilet paper!"

"Don't bother," said the splattered one, "I kinda think he'll be gone by the time you get back!"

The Genie.
Now, just to give the Irish a break. There were three men on a desert island, An Englishman, A Frenchman and a Belgian. They couldnt find any way off the island but worked hard together to survive and became very close friends. (Not THAT close). After more than three years they were sitting one evening having a pastis (well actually watered down coconut milk which LOOKED liked pastis) when the Belgian spotted a bottle floating towards them. He waded into the sea and threw the bottle, corked, to the Frenchman who, with typical Gallic flair, removed the cork. Whoosh!

No wine, but out gushed a Genie. Being a standard genie he proffered the usual thanks and, seeing there were three of them, offered them one wish each. Since the Frenchman had the cork he sat for a moment before explaining that he wished to be back at his family home in the Dordogne, sitting on the terrace with a plate of six oysters, some foie gras and magret de canard with a bottle of St Emilion. Pouff ! (I said not THAT close) Pouff, there he was exactly as hed asked.

Back on the island the Englishman was waxing lyrical about wishing to be sat on a glorious sunny summers day (tough one for the Genie, huh?) on the edge of the village green with a pie, a pint of Theakstones Old Peculiar enjoying the sound of willow on leather. Pouff !! There he was and his cricket team was actually winnig too.

The genie prompted the Belgian for his wish and he looked around wistfully. I really miss those two you know, I wish they hadnt gone.

Pouff !!!

Just a Quick E-mail Note

A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip
and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written
her e-mail address, he did his best to type it
in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his
note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this
note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

P.S.: Sure is hot down here.

Gingerbread men.
Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?

A: They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.

51
 
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at
a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the
roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks
over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up
jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to
the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw
puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of
the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record
straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Blonde joke.
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

God!
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Definitely.
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

Stuff you can e-mail ya friends.

Want to send something fun to your friends?
Or just want to have a laugh?
Check this page out.

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Click above for the "stuff to e-mail ya friends" page.

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