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Great Moments In The ER

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to  have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,  lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.   

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the  wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly  and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.  

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

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One day  I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had  died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I  heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada  

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual  acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,  "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.  

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I  requested.

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the  top line.

I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had  asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too  hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous,  Worcester, MA

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During a patient's two week  follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that  he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?" I  asked.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours  and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly  undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...

Yes, the man had  over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the  old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,  Norfolk, VA

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While acquainting myself with a new elderly  patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of  complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR  

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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,  "So how was your breakfast this morning?"

"It was very good, except  for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient  replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil  packet labelled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,  Detroit, MI

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A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a  young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a  variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was  scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the  operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green,  and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once  the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's  dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn".