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Answering Machine Messages

1. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

6. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

7. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable ofreceiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows ora hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

9. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

10. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

11. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now or carving up a steak for the pit bull and the rottweiller, and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave a message.

12. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to, remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
 
13. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
 
14. "Suicide Hotline...please hold."
 
15. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.